Nobody puts Baby in tha Co'na...

I'm back from my mini-hiatus. A much needed vacation was had that included shit tons of laughter and booze and food and friends and family. It also included a few of those "I appreciate my life and am completely undeserving of all that I have" moments alone on the balcony along with a couple of  "am I in the twilight zone?!" stories that are wayyyyy more fun to discuss, so that's what we'll do.


Background: Last Thursday, I hit the road and headed south to my parents condos in Gulf Shores. It was a family weekend that also included my best friend Suzanne and her husband, Adam. 

On the 3rd night of our adventure, we realized that (yet another) trip to the local liquor store needed to take place. After discovering our typical ABC Beverage was closed, we scope out the sketchy "package store" down the street - which happens to be located between a gas station and a Christmas Shop/Florist. We were desperate, people. Cut us some slack. 


(Side Note: PUHLEASE keep in mind, we are in lower Alabama. It is mid-October and the mad rush of halfway-decent looking tourists is long over. The natives have come out to reclaim their land and it's quite obvious they haven't seen the light of day since going into hibernation right before Spring Break.)

Let me set the scene.... we enter this "package store" and notice the (what I am assuming to be) cashier huddled in the corner, sitting on her stool and watching television. She weighs a good 3.5 bucks, bottled blonde hair from Walgreens and sweat suit to match. I'm assuming either her best friend or sister is the one who runs the gas station next door because the prison scratch on their biceps that reads "Baby Girl" is eerily similar. Anyway, we proceed to the vodka section which consists of Burnett's, Smirnoff and the oh-so-top-notch Pinnacle vodka (all in plastic bottles) - which, in hindsight, is probably all along the same lines as Equate brand rubbing alcohol from Wally World. 

Voice from beyond: "Hey, ya'll need any help findin' anythang? Need any rekomendashions?"
Me: "Uhhhhh.... nooooooo. We are just trying to decide which poison to pick tonight! You know how that goes!"
Voice from beyond, which we have now concluded belongs to Baby Girl: "Nah, I quit drankin' after I got married. All that alcoholz n fightin, ya know it jus don't mix."
Suz: "Yeah, marriage will lead you to drink!"
Me: "And get divorced!"
[Insert laughter, but only between Suz and I... apparently Baby doesn't find it quite as humorous]

Baby Girl: "Well, then I found his porno stash he wuz hidin. Dat dumbass didn't even hide it good. He hid it where I hide my journal! So you know what I did? I waited till his ass gots home and he sat down to watch him some tv. And I ax him - you gots somethan you wants ta tell me? ANYTHING?! And he said, 'nah baby'.... and I came right in n I popped that porno in tha VCR. He didn't have nuthin to say after that."
[Awkward glance between Suzanne and I]
Me: "Ohhhhh. Ok. Wait, really?!"
BG: "Oh yeah, gurl. He was normal until I married him. I mean, I knew he had a porn problem n stuff, but I thank he wuz messed up in tha head."
[At this point, I'm starting to notice the not-so-normal atmosphere we have entered. There is lube on the shelves behind Baby Girl and a giant glass fishbowl on the counter full of dollar bills with a sign in the same prison scratch that reads "Plese Help Jerrys Kidz"]

Suz: "Sounds like it." [We proceed to head to the door]
BG: "And you know what else?" [We get sucked back in... it's like a bad train wreck] "Dem girls from tha college round here, they told me he used ta go up to da laundro mat n take their dirty underwearz n go in tha woodz behind da place n (insert funny noise and jerking motion with her hand)  sniff them. Can you balee dat? Man, I couldn't balee dat eitha. Shit is nasty."


Oh. my. lord. I have NEVER in my life. For the first time, my legs could not move. I was hearing voices in my head reminding me that this was, in fact, actually happening. Things were hazy. I literally had an out of body experience.  I picked my jaw up off the ground and attempted to drag my feet to the front door. I just about made it out alive and I'm halfway through the Lord's Prayer when I hear....

"Hey, yaw wanna donate any money ta Jerry's Kids? They need tha help, ya know."

Oh, sweetie... bless your heart. Your approximate 22 years of existence has afforded you way too much and not near enough, all at the same time.

PS - Both condos are on the market if anyone is  interested. They are oceanfront and located just a half mile from the nearest licka sto.