Let the fist pumping commence...

So, I've been known a time or two or twenty to be a little critical of men... especially the ones I have chosen to be [romantically] involved with (chosen being the key word). He drinks too much, he plays golf too much, does he HAVE to wake up at the ass crack to go fishing? He wears pleated khakis and visors, I hate hunting season and wish they would cancel it, he dresses too metro, is there ANYTHING on besides sports?... blah, blah, blah. These thoughts have all crossed my mind at one time or another. But let me say it loud and clear, people - and you've got this in writing - never, ever again will I complain about the stereo-typical Georgia man. Ever. Nada. Not on my watch. And why is this? See below. 



Unbelievable. Heinous. This shit blows my mind. 

The season premiere is 2 hours long. TWO HOURS of hair gel, orange tans, "The Situation" (a.k.a. hands-down-biggest-douchebag-of-the-century-and-needs-to-have-his-ass-beat-and-hair-shaved-off Cast Member), fist pumping, Ed Hardy, jacuzzi whores and ear piercing accents. When I tell you 2 minutes is enough, let alone 2 hours, I ain't lying. Yeah, I watched all 120 minutes... and it was painfully pleasant. It's just so unbelievable, so incomprehensible, that you HAVE to watch it all. The one liners alone are worth the agony. After your viewing session, you'll probably jump on Expedia and book your next trip to hit up the super classy nightclubs they spotlight - "Bamboo" and "Karma", that actually look like really sketchy 80's strip clubs that were once on the shores of Daytona.


Apparently, these "Jersey Shore" freaks all have nicknames. Let me elaborate.

"The Situation" 

Hahahahaa... I'm laughing before I even start describing this cat. This tool bag has given himself this nickname due to his remarkable abs that apparently are their own situation. I know, I know... doesn't really make sense to me either, but let's go with it for a sec. Even if his abs could talk and pick up guidettes, the fact that he refers to himself in third person is enough to make me want to bitch slap him all the way down the Eastern Coast and let the "situations" down here handle him. Someone needs to show this boy a gun, a golf club and a hair stylist.

"Snooki/Snickers" 

Envision a 4'6", 145 pound, dark haired bimbo with skin the color (literally) of Georgia red clay. If you glance quickly at her (which is really the only thing I would recommend) she resembles an overweight Christina Aguilera in her Dirty days. Within 20 minutes of meeting her fellow cast mates, she has already downed a half bottle of vodka and most likely, a few ounces of hair gel after the scene in the jacuzzi with her guido roommates. She calls herself the 'Queen of the "Poof"' (insert a white hair clip she somehow finagles to make her hair stand at least a good 8 inches high on the top of her head... It's ah-mazing, really. Eye-catching impressive.) 

"DJ Pauly D"

Wowzers. I probably don't even need to tell you that he "spends 25 minutes a day getting his hair to look this good" or that, at the age of 29, his mother still cuts his food into bite size pieces for him - probably to spare the 20 grand they spent on his veneers. Bet you couldn't tell he keeps a tanning bed in his house and orders his hair gel by the case.... That little sneaky rat, he sure knows how to fool us. 

These guidos and guidettes "work" at Shore Shop, a place where you can get spray painted shirts and bootie shorts with the catch phrase "I love The Situation" awkwardly ironed on to them. Side note: I think it's funny that they work at a place that sells shirts, seeing as how not a damn one of them has ever owned a shirt with any sleeves on it. How 'bout Angelina complaining about having to work an 8 hour day (heaven forbid) and letting us know that she "feels like this is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do great things." Wow. Really?! Well, we appreciate you lowering your standards from pouring drinks to spray painting tee's, we really do. You're such a trooper. I'd like to think of you as the Erin Brockovich of the Boardwalk. Later, Snooki tells us her ultimate dream is to "move to Jersey. Marry a hot, tanned, guido. And just live my life." Thank you too, Snooki. We now have another brave pioneer in the forefront of the women's movement.

 

Jersey Shore. MTV. Thursday @ 10 pm. It may not sound appealing, but you will laugh your asses off. If anything ladies, I can assure you it will make you turn to your significant other and thank him for his attempt at a 6 pack, lack of sun kissed skin and messy bed hair. All this while wondering to yourself if you've ever actually been tan before?!


Oh, and one rule.... Neva fall in lov at da Jerzee Sho.