Back Again

I'm embarrassed. Ashamed. Hold please, while I crawl out of my hole. 

It's been over a year since I've blogged. A mother-freakin' year, people. 

Enough of beating myself up. Not that I was really beating myself up over it. I really don't care. Ya know why? Cause it's my blog. And I do what I want with it. 

So there. 

Wanna know what's been going on?

This.

And this.

And a lot of this.

And A LOT of this.

So basically.... just a lot of lovin' on the people that I love. A year full of love. Hmm. That's a good way to put it. 

And I caught a shark. I'm a bad ass. 

That pretty much sums up my year. 

I'm hoping it won't be a whole year until I do this again. 

M.I.A

..... and this is why.

On July 15, 2010, I saw God.

She loves you, She loves you NOT... The tale of the crazy ex clinger.

Dear Brian in New York (Upper East Side to be exact),

I know you are sad and lonely. I know you are miserable without your beloved. I know you miss her smell; I know you daydream of the way she twirled her spaghetti and sipped her wine while you dined by candlelight in the city. But the fact of the matter is, she ain't comin' home. Sweet, sweet boy... she ain't yours no 'mo. She's on to greener pastures, she's found her cowboy. Please. Let it be. We know your misery wants company, but she's gonna sit this hand out; she's not playing this game with you. I'm sure she wishes you well in your new endeavor as a 30 year old 'fit model' / bartender and hopes you can renew your 'relationship' with Gina, that homely looking lawyer you cheated on her with.  I'm positive she wants you to be able to get some sleep from now on. Actually, I'd be willing to bet that she hopes it's a long time until you wake up. Like a reallllly long time. Like, forever.

Love, 

Jessica

P.S. She's discovered T Mobile doesn't block numbers, you lucky little bastard.

Off the crack :(

It's April. And while I love the daffodils and gladiator sandals and not so much the fact that families all coordinate their Easter outfits (Why do y'all do that? And why do your husbands agree to wear lavender? They hate you for that, you know), I do love spring. It means I'm more motivated to quit shoveling food into my face due to the fact that bikini season is quickly approaching. It means beach vacations and lake fishing and hot 'n sweaty boys running through Chastain Park. And as God would have it, you can't have everything work in your favor - so he threw in a little yellow haze just to keep us on our 'I Don't Do Dishes' pink manicured toes. Thank you, Father. Who would've guessed swollen eyes and a runny nose went so well with my tanned skin and floral sundress?


Alas, Easter is over which means Lent is dunzo. Peace out, don't come back soon. But because your family 'Easter 2010' pictures of your matching outfits at the church Egg Hunt make me want to vomit, I'm staying away from the 'Book. You heard it, no more Crackbook. I've got all I need in my life and if I'm missing out on anything, I've got friends in low places who are on round-the-clock patrol to inform me of any on-line mishaps or baby mama drama. I love my life.


I've heard 2 (yes, only 2) people say they miss my status updates and 'crass observations' on their homepage. Truth be told, I miss 'em too. Now, my thoughts are fleeting and no one gives a shit. The only person who laughs at them is me. It sucks. I like it when people laugh at me. I mean 'with' me.


I'll start tweeting, I suppose. You (2) bitches got your wish. Follow me here. 


It's the end of the world as we know it.

Remember Me? You know, the funny one with brown hair.

Holy hell, it's been a pretty minute since I've stared at this screen. You've probably forgotten I even existed by now (understandably so) and admittedly, sometimes I even forget I exist. Going through the motions every day has become more of my mindset, but with warmer weather and sunny skies ahead I'm starting to poke my head out a little more often for fresh air. 

Wow, soooooo much to catch up on. I feel like all of my writing has been so consumed by my side job and that leaves little to no time (or topics) to discuss here. Let's attempt to get you all up to speed:


1. My brother got married. And he is having a baby in July. The 12th, to be exact - well, actually the exact date isn't really up to us, but around then. And it's a BOY. And I'm thrilled because I know he will be the best, Best, BEST dad to a little fisherman/golfer/baseball player. (I LOVE boys. Don't get me wrong, I love me some little princesses. But something about little boys just make me softer - like that's even possible) Anyways, I'll leave you with his latest picture. It looks strikingly similar to a lot of other 'in Utero' pictures you've seen, but he is MUCh cuter. I can tell, I've got an eye for cute boys.

2. My parents celebrated 3 decades of marriage. In honor of this, they will be cruising the Rhine River in April... casually strolling from Germany to Amsterdam to Holland (I could be completely wrong about these locations, but they sound so exquisite and lovely). Dad is excited about Amsterdam, can't imagine why?! Mom is excited to just be out of this country, period. And although I am not traveling abroad with them, I am excited about the gifts they will return with. 


3. I don't really like this update. Actually, I hate it. It sucks. It blows. (I swear this is a PG-13 blog). Come April 19th, I'm going under the knife. Nope, not for my long awaited nose job or breast augmentation. No botox. Instead, I'll be fixing (yet again) what I screwed up back in March of 2005. Apparently, I broke a toe in my car accident and none of my doctors noticed (I can't say I blame them, they had a lot of other injuries on their plate. I do believe my protruding knee cap was first on the list). Because this went unnoticed, it grew back together all kinds of wrong. I mean, shit is ALL jacked up. So, we will happily be removing an entire joint from my toe. Hello, crutches! Hello, walking boot! Hello, flat soled shoes for three months! Oh, how I do not miss you. Why couldn't you have just stayed wayyyy back in my distant memories? And wouldn't you know, darn percocet comes along with all this nonsense. Guess I'll have to stock up on that. Dammit.


4. Why do I feel like I'm missing all sorts of important things to tell you?


5. Oh, yeah. EB and I went to the beach a few weekends ago to check out Rascal Flatts and Darius Rucker. Darius rocked the hizzzzouse. He should've headlined. I love Hootie. I miss Hootie. Hootie for President.


6. EB's brother-in-law just returned from Basic Training for the Coast Guard. It's really hard for me to put all of my dramatics on paper, but here - let me try. I WOULDN'T LAST 3 MINUTES IN BASIC TRAINING.  The stories he tells are unbelievable. No, like really unbelievable. They yell at the women and tell them they need to shave - wtf?? And you see... that would not go over so well with me. Derrick told me one guy went crazy and they found him in a fetal position underneath the salad bar in the cafeteria. That would be me, except I'd be under the salad bar with a razor and mirror. Good job, Moose! We are so proud of you.

7. I cut my hair. It's gone. Every other day, I think it's somewhat cute. Most days I just slip back into my vain and superficial state of mind and think I look like a 5 year old 'cute' kid.

A few other things - I'm pooped today, I've fallen in love with sun-dried tomato hummus, EB and I are planning on winning the lottery sooner than later,  we are headed to Dis-gusta next weekend to see one of our favorite couples-that-we-wished-lived-closer, I made bad ass chicken quesadillas the other night and I am constantly wishing I was younger, thinner and on a patio in the sun drinking a beer. Thankyouandgoodbye.

PS - Happy St. Patty's Day, eat your cabbage, drink your beer, yaddy yah....

No more cussing, dammit.

The time is here - turns out, this silly little blog isn't enough to feed my author's ego.  The new and improved Georgia.com is officially up and running as of the start to the new year and you'll find "Jess Sayin'" on the main page. MEGA kudos to Chris Foster and his team on getting this kick-ass website running so smoothly, so quickly. Side Note: Mr. Foster is hot, ladies. And single. Please don't think that just because he's an IT nerd, that he looks like Screech. Quite the contrary, my dear. Quite the contrary. Applications to court him are accepted by me, Monday thru Friday, 8-5 only. Please expect a 2 week response time.



Anyways, check it yo. I'll be contributing a new column every week, to be published every Monday. It's basically an open forum when it comes to topics, so don't be surprised at what you read. No worries, I'll keep it classy San Diego. No more cussing, but I'll manage. I mean, it is MY column which means it's MY opinion. And if you don't like it, tough shit... go find another weekly column to indulge yourself in while you pretend to work behind your computer in your little 4 x 6 cubicle. I'm sure you've got time. 


Cheers to a new year, fresh opportunities, good health, happy families, extra income and maybe a little world peace if the Big Man has time. Happy 2010!

You da best, best I eva had....

It's been awhile. Yeah, I know. Between traveling, working, holidays, social events (because I attend soooooo many of those), family [drama], and potentially courting a poor fella who has no idea what he's gotten himself into, well.... I just haven't had time to be entertaining. Or funny. Or insightful. Sorry guys, I've got a life. And sometimes that life is full of coals and sometimes it's full of diamonds. And sometimes it's full of coal and diamonds and bullshit and traffic and love and clients and laughs and crackberries and lunch meetings and hand-holding. That's my life right now, nutshell and all. 

Here is a recent phone conversation with a random person who has called me at work:

Editor's Note - After roughly 3 minutes of discussion, I find out this man's name is Robert. Robert Led-something, couldn't really understand him. You see, Robert speaks verrrrrry  slow. And Robert also speaks about anything. And everything. Forgive me, but I'm envisioning a 40-something, skinny man with Burt Reynolds' style lip spinach, maybe 8 teeth in his mouth (if we're lucky), with a rather heavy wife. Not sure how or why I think his wife is heavy, but she is.

Me: This is Jessica.
Robert: Hiiiiiiiiiii........... Jessica.
Me: Hello?
Robert: Ummmmmm.... yeah. Ummmmmmm, I.... have... a...... question.
Me: Ok. What can I do for you?
Robert: Well....... you see. I, I used to work for Conlan. Long ago [in a land far, far away]. Wait, do you have a Gordan that works there?
Me, slightly irritated at this point: No sir, we don't.
Robert: Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Well....... you see, I...... back in, well long ago, like back in 1994 I worked for you.
Me: Ok?
Robert: And I worked with Gordan. Are you sure he isn't there anymore?
Me, at a 7 on the Irritation Scale: Yes, I'm sure.
Robert: Well, are you new or something? Cause you might be new.
Me, at a 7.5: No. I'm not new. I've worked here over 4 years. 
Robert: Oh yeah, that's new. Pretty new. This was before that. In 1994.
Me: Ok, Robert - exactly what can I do for you? Because I'm not quite sure why you've called my direct line or what you're looking for.
Robert: Well, do you have a Steve that works there?
Me: Steve Williams? Yes, we have a Steve Williams.
Robert: Well, I don't know if that's him. Is he new?
Me, reaching an 8 and getting a bit snappy: No. He's been here awhile.
Robert: Was he there in 1994?
Me: I don't know, Robert. In 1994, I was 11 years old. I'm not sure where Steve Williams was in 1994. How about I give you his number?
Robert: Oh, no.... that's ok. I don't want to interupt him. I just, well.... you see....
Me: Are you looking for a job, Robert?
Robert: Well, you see.... I think you should go back and look in your records for the years of, ohhhhh, about 1994 or so. Yeah, 1994 sounds about right. You'll see I worked there. 
Me, clearly at an almost 10 and for the first time in my life, eager to get back to my closeout documents: I believe you. Have a good....
Robert: Waittttttttttt! I have Conlan hats and shirts from when I worked there. I have them. You see, I had to quit because my wife, she was always nagging me and telling me I had to choose between her and work. So I had to quit at Conlan, even though I was the best worker there and you can ask Gordan if you want to.
Me - At this point, I'm done: Sir, Robert, listen. Gordon doesn't work here, so I can't ask him. And I'm not sure how or why, but you've called my direct line here at Conlan.  I can give you Steve Williams cell phone number if you'd like and maybe he has some work for you?
Robert: That would be great, ma'am. Maybe I'll call him later because, you see, I really don't want to interupt him if he is spending time with his family. That time is valuable. I wish I could spend time with my family too, but.....

[At this point, my level drops from a 10 to a 1.5. My heart has softened. Total Grinch style. This poor man just needs some work, it's the first day back after the holiday break, and the best worker Conlan has ever had has decided to give us another chance at hiring him. What a bitch I am.]

Me: Robert, here is Steve's number. Give him a call, he is out in the field today and I'm sure he would love to hear from you. 

Robert thanked me in a sweet, southern, gummy voice and gently hung up the phone... surely to give Steve a call, irritate him and then soften him, and get back to his overweight wife. 

Dear Robert Led-something,
I owe you an apology. I am positive that life probably hasn't afforded you the best of everything - in fact, it's probably been bitterly cold towards you at times. You seem weathered, both in life and in person. I'm sorry I didn't take a more patient approach with you or your situation. I have a feeling you are a good person with a kind soul, but most of all you are a hard worker. Probably the best Conlan has ever had. And I wish you would've stuck around. Some people around here could use a little softening of the heart. 


Love, 
Jessica